Down and Out

Can I say I am really down right now about my whole self. I don't like anything about myself right now. I am fat and getting older by the day. I have no one to blame but myself on the fatness level. I have completely let myself go and I am so depressed about it. I no longer have an excuse about it anymore. I am ashamed of myself and I don't know what to do or where to start AGAIN!! So I have this issue with my back and I don't know if its all in my head or what or weather it is just because I am so fat. My back hurts after I am walking for a bit. It is in my lower back and it is almost unbearable until I sit down and then it just goes away. I am guessing it is my weak point and if I lose some weight and exercise it will go away. In fact I know it will go away because I was walking four miles a day two years ago and when I first started my back hurt like this too. The thing is I don't want to go through the pain first to get to not having the pain. I know I am so insane but its true. I just want an easy button. I am so embarrassed about the way I look. I can't buy clothes because I hate all the FAT people clothes. I hate them and I hate going in there. I don't know how people walk around feeling happy when they are fat. I can't stand it. I can't stand it at all. It makes me miserable but why isn't it making me miserable enough to do something about it? I can't even write on here that I am going to do something about it because I have done that before and I haven't done it. Or I started but didn't finish. So my declaration is that I am going to take one day at a time. One day at a time and then maybe my fat pants will be a little loser next week and then maybe I will get down to the next size of fat pants that I have hanging in my wardrobe. Just maybe............................. So I asked the dog this morning if she wanted to go for a walk and she practically cried. Now how freaking sad is that? The dog couldn't bloody believe her ears that fat me wanted to take her for a walk. So I went around the block and by the time we were on our way home my back was hurting but I did it and it was a start right? On another note my doctor about a month ago gave me this new medicine that I can use with my insulin. It is supposed to help you lose weight. Have I started it? NOPE... why? Well because I haven't been checking my blood like I should be and this medicine can severely drop your blood sugars so I should be monitoring carefully. I am now starting that today so all in all two good things. But I am not giving myself a pat on the back because that is for sissies. When I am feeling less hateful of myself I will have to post a picture of my lovely double chin at my sons Eagle Court of Honor. Cheerio!!!! xoxo